just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
