The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize