I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
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He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
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Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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