Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
