Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon