dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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