shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
