The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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