your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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