We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
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She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
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I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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