nut hugger
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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