life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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