meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i already hear my dad disowning me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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