better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
