does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just gargled with NyQuil
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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