so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
