I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
