I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
