It's like a parade of train wrecks.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
