I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
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You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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