if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
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He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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