Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
