Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
