u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
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Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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