I feel great
I just peed on a car
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
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Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
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The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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