You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
