I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
