So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
