saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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