i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
