Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
