Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
