Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
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Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids