the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I need moral support for this bender
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...