Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I AM VODKA MAN
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
