I cannot find my penis.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Randomize
