Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?