my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize