Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
