i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
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Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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