so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
