You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
