you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
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It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
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I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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