i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
