I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
