I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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