I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
