you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
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Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.