that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
In America we eat man semen.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.