My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...