remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.