the condom got lost in my hair
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.