i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize