If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
